2014 Holidays at the White House
by Laraine Shape, Contributor, Freedom Fighters of America
October 21, 2014
This year’s holiday theme at the White House will be ‘Turnip, for what?’
It celebrates the first lady’s obsession with vegetables and her nutritional guideline victory that forces school kids across America to eat food that looks and tastes like something the dog hocked up.
“There will obviously be no pink cookies in the White House this year, exclaimed first ‘lady’ Michelle Obama. Turnip, for what? Nor will there be any in public schools that participate in the Free Government Money Lunch Program. We’re eating turnips instead! And we’ll damn well like them! Turnip, for what?
“We’ll be decorating this year’s official White House tree with big, fat purple turnips fresh from my Victory Vegetable Garden, said the first ‘lady.’ Turnip, for what?
“We will then gather, as members of one American family, around the tree and do the the turnip dance. Turnip, for what?
“Afterwards, a team of the children’s school chefs from Sidwell Friends will prepare us a gourmet, turnip-themed meal of organic fruits, vegetables and seafood similar to what they prepare for the kids lunches.” SEE Guess How Michelle Obama’s Kids Eat. Turnip, for what?
This year, the official tour features 25 turnip decorated Christmas trees, a vegetable model of the White House made of 400 pounds of turnips and other garden vegetables plus 5 different representations of first dog Bo Obama doing the turnip dance with first ‘lady’ Michelle.
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Brave 8 Year Old Survives Eating School Lunch
September 26, 2014
by: Laraine Shape, Contributor, Freedom Fighters of America
Cleveland, Ohio – Classmates say 8 year old Andy Shoup bravely ate an entire lunch serving of “Cat Food Con Carne” at a Cleveland area school and managed to keep it down the entire day without vomiting.
In return for his efforts he won a brand new iPad from a classmate.
The iPad was offered up in a dare to eat one of the “nutritionally correct” Obamafare lunch meals that comply with new federal guidelines – part of Michelle Obama’s”eat what I say, or else” dictates.
“Mmmm. Yum! Cat Food Con Carne. I bet you can’t eat that without puking,” classmate Jason Anderson said to Shoup as the boys inched their way through the lunch line.
“Bet I can,” replied Shoup. “How about putting your iPad where your mouth is, wiener head.”
“Fine. You’re on,” Anderson said as Shoup forked into his gravy covered “meat” pellets one student described as a ‘barf burger deluxe.’
Several ‘brown bagger’ students could be seen vomiting into their lunch bags minutes after Shoup swallowed his first bite.
Cameron Miller, friend of Shoup, said it was the grossest school lunch she’s ever seen in her life. “I can’t believe he actually ate that stuff. It looked like upchucked chunks on a bun.”
“Thanks, Michelle (Obama) for the lovely lunch. Maybe you and your sponsor, ConAgra Food Service, should think about a cookbook deal with Purina, Kids, Get Fit Now With Purina Cat Chow! It could prove to be very lucrative for you down the road. In the meantime, WE WANT OUR PINK COOKIES BACK!!”
School cafeteria personnel could not be reached for comment.
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NEW LUNCH LADY WISHES KIDS WOULD JUST SHUT THE HELL UP ABOUT PINK COOKIES
by Laraine Shape, Contributor, Freedom Fighters of America
September 22, 2014
Elyria, Ohio – Gladys Appleknocker, newly appointed nutritional enforcement chief for the Elyria City School District, told reporters on Monday she is sick and tired of hearing about “pink cookies” and wishes the kids in her cafeteria lunch lines would just “shut the hell up and eat their corn dogs.”
“I get so pissed off when they ask for pink cookies I want to shove a sharp pencil in their eyes,” continued Appleknocker. Especially that snotty little brat who refuses to eat “chikn” nuggets because they’ve been rinsed in ammonia and don’t contain any chicken.” “Get over it prissy pants,” spewed Appleknocker.
Appleknocker is just one of the thousands of hand-picked, specially trained food service personnel hired around the country to enforce the new Obamafare® nutritional standards and implement its partner program, LeanScreen® Mental Health Screening.
The LeanScreen® program is a successor to Columbia University’s failed TeenScreen® program and is required in schools who are on the federally funded lunch program. Opponents say it’s funded by the pharmaceutical industry.
The program will be used to test students for eating disorders such as Obsessive Cookie Disorder (OCD) and Pink Cookie Deficit Disorder (PCDD) to ensure kids on psych drugs reaches the 100% mark by the year 2020.
Schools that meet their quarterly referral goals will receive additional federal funds and very generous benefits from unnamed corporate sponsors.
It’s stated goal is “To ensure that all youth are offered and complete a mental health questionnaire during every school lunch period to identify and refer to treatment those who are at risk of eating disorders.”
Brown bagging kids who “bring” and refuse to participate in the school lunch program are of particular interest.
According to Appleknocker, “It’s really sad when kids think they should be allowed to eat pink cookies. The next think you know they’ll want to pick what colors they like and what they want to be when they grow up.”
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Obama Gobbles Short Wieners in Effort to Save Michelle’s Lunch Money
September 18, 2014
by: Laraine Shape, Contributor, Save the Pink Cookie
Cincinnati, Ohio – President Barack Obama was seen gobbling several of Cincinnati’s beloved short coney dog wieners (typically 3 inches long) this week as the first “lady” attempted to convince a crowd of lunch ladies and school board members at a nearby auditorium to keep her lunch money.
‘”Mmmm, I love me some short wieners and ‘Yorkies’,” said the President as servers and diners at a popular chili joint vied for a peek at the pres gobbling teenie weenies on short yellow buns.
“It was really cool, said one of the cooks. He was cramming those things into his pie hole like he hadn’t eaten in a week. One of the secret service dudes had to clean chili off his tie!”
Meanwhile, the first “lady” spoke before a crowded audience of sensibly shod lunch ladies and school board members in a failed attempt to keep Cincinnati schools from opting out of her widely detested federal lunch program.
“Our kids want to eat real food for lunch, not some processed crap that’s full of chemicals quipped Wanda Carpsnortel,” chief food administrator for Hamilton county. They want their good old Cincinnati chili and pink cookies back.”
“We’re not serving one more of your cat food sandwiches or corn dogs. This is Cincinnati. It ain’t a carnival,” Carpsnortel continued.
“You and that husband of yours ought to spend less time
lying
talking and more time listening to what the people want. That’s why God gave you one mouth and two ears.”
“And, I might add, he was real generous in the ear department when it was Barack’s turn to get a pair. He ought to learn how to use ‘em.”
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Good Bye Drug Free Hello Fat Free
by: Laraine Shape, Contributor, Freedom Fighters of America
September 18, 2014
Washington, DC – In an effort to promote and help popularize first “lady” Michelle Obama’s widely detested new nutritional guideline project, the federal government has authorized the replacement of Drug Free Zone signs with Fat Free Zone signs at the entrances of public schools across America.
The project, dubbed “Can the Crisco!” is expected to cost $16.2 billion and will be funded by Monsanto and several major drug companies including Johnson & Johnson, Pfizer, Eli Lilly and GlaxoSmithKline.
According to a White House spokesperson, the new Fat Free Zone signs will help remind school kids and parents alike that they should limit their fat intake, not their drug intake.
Monsanto plans to distribute informational brochures in school lunch rooms that explains the relationship between a healthy diet and genetically modified food products.
The brochures will also highlight the first “lady’s” nutritional guideline message as promoted on the USDA website, “do what I say is right for children’s health.”
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